Faced my fear and it didn't kill me

What I’m thinking after facing my fear… what do I feel about having done the mastermind panel?

I sounded like a flake!

Why am I so agitated - what happened to my calm zen-like demeanour? Why am I talking so much?

Where did I get that ascent? (Surely that is not my usual voice. I have never heard my voice recorded before)

Why did I not notice in the other webinars that all the panellists can be seen, even when they’re not talking?

I know the answer to that one - because I never intended to do it (be a panellist) myself, so it was irrelevant to me, so I did not notice when I watched that the speaker and the others are always seen. I listened to the recordings but I did not watch the others thinking I was going to be one of them.

Why do I fidget? Why can’t I sit still?

Why do I look like I am not listening to the other panellists surrender mediation explanation? (which was brilliant)

Why didn’t I sound as good as the other guy (great voice and fantastic Irish ascent) or the other girl (who was so clear when she explained her points), or like the other guy who was so present and calm and in the moment.

Accept what is…….. (come on Julia accept what is…)

Observation without judgement….. Hmmmm so that was a lesson.

Being honest - if I wasn’t on this path (the way) I would have judged that performance as a failure of facing my fear. I was a flake, I didn’t even answer the question Eryn asked me at one point, because I was answering and reading comments, trying to do the best job I could in answering the questions from the people watching. I went off on a random tangent, circled the conversation back, and rambled about something else. Did we ever finish answering that question, from Ron?

I wasn’t perfect, neither did I make a good job of looking pretty, I played with my hair, touched my face, did I scratch my nose? OMG … I HATE my voice, who was that? I do not sound like that .. and yet I do, I must, I did, that’s the reality in the moment. I heard it. (I accept it happened). And for the love of God I can revisit the experience.. we all can, it’s captured there on the mastermind panel history.. this is painful hhahahaha . This is my massive fear. And it hasn’t killed me! Cool.

WHAT DO I LIKE? (about this experience)

I am all in – I mean I was all in - I was “going to give" and I was “there”, present, in the conversation, and I showed up and I did it. That’s not to say that I could not have been more present, more in the moment, less worried about the “next point to say”, better at listening to what me fellow panellist were saying instead of trying to type answers to peoples online questions.

Even though I didn’t know the camera was on me when I was not the current speaker - at least I didn’t do worse than fidget and pull threads out of the rip in my jeans, it’s a nervous thing, I fidget. At least I didn’t just sit there “trying” to look pretty and not say a word for fear of saying the wrong thing, then it would have been less of a growth experience. At least I went to give and did my best in that moment.

I SUPPOSE….

You can’t expect to talk about accepting what is without accepting what is - what I judged to be bad happened and I learned, so it’s not bad, so I chose not to judge it as bad, I am actively observing the positives, as my friend said, and I expect it to be good for me.

You can’t talk about observation without judgement - without doing your best to live that. And when I judge yourself “not good enough” – all I can do is decide that “good enough” is “good enough” this time.

I have felt …

Elated and Victorious (immediately after it finished)

Feeling I have grown and broken through a ceiling, a block that was holding me back (before i heard the playback of the recording).

I have felt MORTIFIED!!!! Come on I mean it, utterly mortified, to hear my voice on that playback. “Shoot me now” level of mortified, not just a little bit… ALOT!!!!

I am human I can feel mortified. I can also choose not to be for long.

So what if I sounded like I just escaped from a young offenders centre.

So what if I can’t explain myself and can’t find the right words sometimes.

Please don’t think I am looking for praise or anything like that. I’m really not. (although I admit I did get a lot of praise, surprisingly to me, I was told I was brilliant and insightful)

I am saying I was so nervous that I did not meditate before it started. I meditate before almost everything, and yet I was so nervous, so far out of my comfort zone, that it was only afterwards that I realised that although I intended to meditate, to get aligned, I never settled to do it beforehand. I was so nervous I “tried too hard” instead of being easy with it.

Anyway - I conquered my fear. It was a baby step and low and behold, the next “fear”, the next “accept what is” and the next “observation without judgement” challenge/opportunity, was waiting for me on the other side. Cheers for that Universe, “Aint life grand”!

HUGE positives,

Julia